I am currently integrating dissociated ‘parts’ of myself which became fragmented during childhood. When I refer to ‘parts’, I am referring to parts of my personality that each have distinct memories, perceptions, emotions and coping behaviours. My ‘parts’ were separate from one another for most of my life which made it very difficult to function - it felt like nothing was joined up. It was also very confusing because they all had different ways of attempting to meet my needs and keep me safe - this caused a lot of chaos internally and externally.
‘Parts’ exist in distinct neural networks, these are called trauma neural networks. The reason parts don’t become integrated, is that are not able to ‘wire together.’ This is because some are associated with the acute stress response and some with the attachment system both of which are powerful neurobiological responses that ensure our survival (fight, flight, freeze, attach and submit).
The acute threat response is designed to help escape danger while the attachment system is designed for connection. When a child grows up in a home that is unsafe, these two neurobiological systems are activated so often that they become autonomous. The child’s psyche cannot integrate the understanding that the parent with whom they need to attach, is also a threat. This is an incredibly clever, adaptive response that allows the child to survive.
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The silence on the inside hums,
like thousands of cicadas singing on a blistering summer’s day,
there are no parts of me vying for my attention,
like neglected children,
endlessly wanting my time, my attention,
there is no communication at all,
only silence,
and the silence is loud,
no one is arguing,
no emotions are bleeding through,
no one is showing me images,
no one is sending me bodily sensations so that I can feel their pain,
my parts were the background noise that I tuned out for so many years,
like the thrum of traffic that sits outside of conscious awareness,
I noticed the heavy vehicles and the sirens got my attention,
but I had learned to ignore the never-ending low-level noise,
until I couldn't anymore,
and so, I have been learning to listen to and attend to all of it,
but tonight my parts are still,
not silenced as they were in the past,
this is a different kind of quiet,
it feels like contentment on the inside,
the feeling of a warm fire and a full belly,
a safe home,
there is no internal chaos,
only deep acceptance,
and respect,
and love,
and gratitude for all of us,
and what we have walked through to survive
Beautiful..